Candace Carle: Overcoming Loss
I would like to introduce you all this week to a friend who is more like a long lost sister! Her name is Candace. She is a Pastor’s wife, a momma to a little ninja named Malachi and to many precious ones in heaven. She is a Pastor herself, and passionate about you seeing the Living God in you…
Positive. I’d never been so happy to see a plus sign. It had been 5 months sense I underwent the horrific ordeal of losing my daughter to miscarriage. Pregnancy number 7 was now underway. I slipped out of the church bathroom and called my mom, looking for any excuse to get her to meet me off campus so I could share the wonderful news! We met outside of a department store, I ran up to her car and handed her the test before she could even close the door. We jumped up and down and celebrated, we made plans and found the perfect “I’m a big brother book” for Malachi, my 1st born and 2nd child, to give to Josiah, my husband. Life was here again. Joy and hope came rushing in but so did something else, fear.
Fear. My worst nemesis. So quick to jump into action bringing all of its “what if’s” along with it. Every day was a battle in my heart and mind. Fear would tell me to plan for defeat, not to get my hopes up, to expect death. My spirit would remind me of the promises of God both in the word and those He spoke to my heart. I would declare over and over and over again, “This baby will live and not die and declare the works of the Lord, your word says that none will suffer miscarriage and that you are faithful to complete every good work you have begun. This child is your good work, fearfully and wonderfully made. Children are a gift from you. I trust you. You are good.” 5 weeks, safe. 7 weeks, safe. 8 weeks, safe. 9 weeks, safe. By this point fear was like a faint, distant sound. I was convinced that July 9, 2017 I would give birth to a healthy, beautiful baby boy or girl.
Silence. There is nothing worse than silence where you expect to hear the fast beating heart of your baby. “Maybe baby is just hiding today, let me go get the doctor” the midwife said as she exited the room. Honestly, at this point I was still hoping for a sonogram and was somewhat glad they weren’t finding baby’s heartbeat easily so I would be able to see and hear baby. Fear was still distant. We actually hadn’t conversed in quite some time. Doctor came in and tried to find the heartbeat himself. “How about we go in and take a look at baby?” Finally! I hadn’t gotten to see baby yet so I was really overjoyed for the opportunity. Seriously, I didn’t think anything was wrong. I had God’s promises, I had my faith, I was set. And there it was, silence. “I’m sorry, your baby’s heart is no longer beating……”
Blindsided. Have you ever been “sucker punched”? Well, I have. It was by a cousin and I did NOT see that coming. We were sitting there having a conversation and I shared my excitement about spending the night with my aunt and BAM! Sucker punched. Those next few moments were kind of like that. I would like to be able to tell you that super faith woman took over, life was declared, and I demanded a redo, only to find the heart beating strong again, but that did not happen. You know what happened? I was mad. I was confused. I was hurt. And to the point that when Josiah said, “let’s pray” I said, “I don’t want to, in fact I don’t even know what to pray!” There was a lot of sarcasm in that sentence let me tell you. But thankfully Josiah loved me and prayed what I couldn’t. He declared life and asked for strength. We met with the doctors and made plans. We went down to the cars, I got in mine, shut the door and began weeping. The question why was asked a billion times. I had lunch with my mom and Josiah and then drove around for about an hour alone yelling at God in tongues, it’s a thing guys, and telling satan what was up and worshiped. It was real and raw and God wasn’t afraid or angered by any of it. After that drive I felt the strength to fight again. My family and friends came into agreement that we would see a heartbeat at the scheduled ultra sound before the DNC.
Faith. I believed. I fully, confidently believed. I listened to faith messages, declared the word, and worshiped my way through the next coming days. The verses about Jairus were never so alive and real to me. God spoke to me so much about my faith not being based on what I was feeling. That even in the hurt, confusion, questions and yes fear, that I could still trust Him to be whom He says He is. I still had faith despite my feelings and that faith WAS enough. It was my mustard seed and God saw it and honored it and treasured it. So, you might be thinking that means we saw a heartbeat. That would have been wonderful, we didn’t, but we still saw victory. We still saw God’s goodness, even in the face of death. A close friend asked me in those moments if I felt God abandoned me. I didn’t. Not once. It was as if God knew and saw something I didn’t, because He does, and for whatever reason allowing my precious baby to have life and life more abundantly in heaven was what He decided. You may not like that answer, believe me I wish Emory was here with me now, but God is the one who is sovereign and He knows what is best for me and for my children. I don’t get it, but I trust Him. And He did keep His word. You know He says, “Whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart…” which doesn’t mean if you don’t have feelings because we are human and He made us with feelings. It means don’t separate yourself from Him even when the feelings come. The verse goes on to say, “But believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says.” That’s Mark 11:23. Did you know that when God says, “he will have” the “will have” there talks about God in his Eternal state. Let me break it down for you, those words are the same as “He who was, He who is, and He who is to come”. Meaning, God is saying if you trust me despite what you are feeling, you already have, you do have and you will have what you’re believing for. So, when I asked for my baby’s heart to beat God didn’t fail me. When I declared life God didn’t forget to back me up. Because my baby’s heart is beating, and my baby is more alive than me. Just because it didn’t happen HOW I wanted doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. Satan didn’t win here, miscarriage didn’t win here, God won. He still kicked death in the face and gave me the trophy. Did it still hurt? Yes. But did God fail? No.
I now have a completely new view on what it means to walk in faith. You know even the heroes of the faith in the Bible are heroes because they believed and trusted even when they NEVER obtained here on earth. That’s the kind of faith I want. The faith that says, “Even when it doesn’t feel good, you are good. Even when it doesn’t look good, you are good. No matter what comes, I will praise you. My God will rescue me, but even if not, I will still worship Him, He is still good.” I mean, wow. So, I don’t wish this on anyone but what I do hope for you is that you find yourself trusting and knowing God’s goodness even in the midst of your worst storm. That even if you don’t see right here and now what you’re believing for, that you will be of those who don’t back down, who keep the faith, who press forward knowing He is worth it all.
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